Yoga, the ultimate Healer & Messenger

I am going to be honest: until recently, I had not done much asana practice. Pregnancy. New baby. I got very busy taking care of those around me and it kind of threw me off balance: I was exhausted physically, emotionnally, and felt like something was missing. The lack of sleep, with my baby waking up up to 4 times a night didn’t help much either.
A couple of weeks ago, I finally decided to make time for myself and not feel guilty about it. Yes, I am that bad. Leave baby with daddy, get back to my daily yoga practice.
It felt awkward. Actually, no : it felt bad. Seriously. This body I was moving in wasn’t mine anymore: it was so weak, and so stiff. I couldn’t believe it: how could I let that happen? Remembering what I was once able to do and realizing where I was 2 years afterwards was downright discouraging . My body, with its own language, just laughed at me: you really want to get into hanumanasana (splits)? Don’t even think about it. Adho Mukha Vrksasana (Handstand) now? Hahaha, you gotta be kidding me, stick with your Virabhadrasana 1 (Warrior 1) little lady, and try to get your breathing right. »
After feeling reaaaaaally bad about it during the first sessions, I remembered that Yoga is not about the perfect posture nor the end result. It is about the practice. It is about getting on my mat every day and doing the work, no matter where I am physically and emotionally. I repeat: IT’S ABOUT DOING THE WORK THAT NEEDS TO BE DONE. That’s it. Period.
So I put those pretty yoga images and memories in the back corner of my mind and dived into my practice, with as much patience and humility as I could gather. Not that easy when you tend to have a « type A » personnality (read: competitive and impatient, among other things).
It took me a few days to feel my breath again & to move with it freely. As the weakness and stiffness slowly went away, a flood of wild, raw emotions started surfacing.  There was anger. Lots of it.  I stayed with it, allowing myself to fully experience it without judging it. I realized this anger was  the direct result of the fear I had accumulated in my bodymind during those past years, and which had made my body so hard; it got stiff because it had built an armor to protect itself. The message was clear: « You used to be scared, now it is time to be strong and fight back. »
But how do you fight back when you’re doing your best every single day to set aside your ego and live with an open heart? I guess you try to put into action that famous quote : « do no harm, but take no shit. » Over the years, I forgot to set healthy boundaries for myself. I would just take all the bullshit (sorry, I couldn’t find any other word) and live with it, without saying a word. I thought silence was the best answer. And I was wrong : when people don’t treat you right, silence is never, never the best answer, because things will only get worse, escalating to a point of (almost) no return.
Now as I go through some more cleansing one breath at a time, I’m trying to figure out what might be the best, most loving, healthy, healing response and behavior. I have to thank the art & science that is Yoga for helping me on this journey on Earth: asanas, along with meditation have saved me more times than I can remember, from healing my eating disorders, to helping me cope with an unfaithful (now ex) boyfriend. And that’s why this beautiful practice will always be part of my life, in one way or another.
Some of you might think it is not very wise as a yoga teacher to share my struggles. After all, we as teachers, are supposed to be flawless, super duper flexible enlightened human beings, right? Well… no. We are just like every other person, just like every other student, because we are students ourselves. Students of Yoga, and students of life.

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