Of self-honesty

I guess one of the most important things I’ve learned so far is to question & analyze everything: what I see. What I hear. Society. Human behavior. My self.  And what I’ve realized is… it is very easy to point finger at this society we live in. It is very easy to stand there on a rock and think of yourself as a different human being because you refuse to obey society’s standards. Because you’re against consumerism. Because you believe all living beings are created equal. Because you’re against animal suffering. Because you meditate & do yoga. Because you want to achieve full realization of the self.

But doing the exact same thing with your Self, looking within, with the same sharp look you use to judge and condemn society, that is a whole different story. Having a honest look at yourself is probably one of the most difficult, most painful (& most liberating) things you’ll ever do.

Yes, I’ve learned to question everything about myself: my thoughts, my beliefs, my behavior, my feelings, my speech. Everything. And I’ve come to realize that there’s a big difference between who I would like to be, who I think I am and who I really am. I’m vegan, yet sometimes when making nutella crepes for my kid, I’d have a bite.Or two. Maybe a whole one. I’m against consumerism, but sometimes I would walk into a store and buy an expensive bikini, and a cute pair of shorts. I try to live with an open heart every single day, but no matter how hard I try, there are people I just can’t love. People I can’t forgive. People I just can’t stand. People I avoid. I practice yoga everyday, on and off the mat, but sometimes I just can’t tame my mind. And honestly,I don’t want to. I want to let it be. Just the way it is. Wild, tormented, restless. And yes, sometimes I lie. Always to protect myself, never to hurt people. But that’s no excuse. A lie is a lie. I preach non-attachment, yet I still have a hard time letting go (even if it gets easier with time). Does this mean I’m some kind of hypocrite? Does this mean I lack integrity? Or does this mean I’m just human? Perfect in my own imperfections? I don’t know, I have no answer to that.

What I know though, is that it’s all good: no I’m not perfect, and yes,there’s plenty of room for improvement. Looking at my self with total honesty has taught me to accept myself. Just the way I am. Life is a process. We live this life to become stronger, wiser, better people. So yes, I spend a lot of time in my head. And because I do so, I know every single one of my flaws. I know where my inner demons hide. And I’m learning to correct them, tame them, one step at a time. Sometimes I make one step forward, two steps backwards. But it doesn’t matter, as long as I’m going in the right direction. And yes, I’ve also learned to be gentle with myself. There’s a lot of work to be done, and I’m pretty sure I’ll need a few more lives to achieve what needs to be achieved. But no need to rush, what matters most is waking up every single day being a better person than I was the day before.

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